My Not-So-Secret Secret: Walk Like a Human

As I grow older, I’m discovering those stubborn areas of my body that like to retain mass more than other areas. Another joy of entering adulthood. It happens to us all, it is a way of life. But I am attempting to delay it.

Thankfully my place of employment offers a gym for use by employees. Thank you, President Obama. But as I muster up the energy for some cardio, I’ve found an easy quick-fix to looking better – stand up straight.

Growing up my sister and I heard the same refrain again and again: “Sit up straight or I’ll make you sit up straight.” My mother had concocted this zany invention that the nebulous They put on kids to correct their posture, and very frequently threatened us with it. It was a back brace with spikes that were just far enough away from your skin that they didn’t touch you as long as you kept perfect posture. But as soon as you slouched…OUCH! Yes, my mother came up with this. At least, I’ve yet to find one in real life. But I’m sure when I have kids I will want one.

Sadly though, her artful deception didn’t work. I still slouch. Ben even tried to fix me by making us keep our car seats sitting absolutely straight up. And now that we have our own vehicles, I lean that seat back as far as I want when I drive. If I think about it and catch myself, I will sit up straight…but that it rarely ever and only lasts about 2 seconds.

However there is hope! I have made a remarkable discovery. Did you know that you actually look better if you stand up straight? Believe it or not, clothes were not made for hunchbacks, but upright humans. When I started sewing, the first thing you learn about is how to fit clothes to your body properly by taking your measurements. One book I have spent a whole page talking about how good posture effects the way clothing fits you.

Perhaps my  mother was on to something with her devilry…

So often in a dressing room I am discouraged that this little dress was so lovely on the rack…but looks so horrid on me. Perhaps it is because I am standing like Quasimodo? After spending so much time sewing and shopping for clothes, I will admit that this is true. I tend to find more clothes I like and that fit me when I stand up.

So I realize that that helps, but I only do it when I am thinking about it…which isn’t that often. Obviously the ominous back brace didn’t work. How else can I just do it without having to think about it all the time?

Buy more expensive clothes. My nicer clothes tend to be less comfortable, so being uncomfortable from sitting up straight just seems to jive with the outfit. Also, I think there’s this subconscious thought that if I spent so much on this dress, I’m not going to look like a gorilla wearing it.

So as I fight the inevitable on the elliptical, I’ve got my strategy.

*Ben, I need some more money*

Yeah, I know that’s not going to work. Anyone interested in working on a prototype of that back brace?